What happens when all of your dreams come true? Do you dream up new ones, or do you bask in the ones that have been achieved? This is the question I have been asking myself for the last month. My dream was to be a stay at home mom with a very involved, loving husband. I would drive my children to play dates, sports, school. I would take care of our home and make sure that things were in order so that when my husband came home we all would be able to spend time together. I would live in the South, specifically New Orleans, so that I would be close to the Mississippi and so that my children would experience diversity and culture. Not that you can’t find that in other cities, but NO has always felt like home to me.
So now I am married to the most wonderful guy, I have a hilarious 4 year old, and I live in Baton Rouge, La; which to me is close enough to NO. Why am I so unhappy then? Is it the fact that I can’t have another child? Or is it that I underestimated what my dreams really were?
This next part is even going to sound even worse. For some reason I have always thought that I should be important, for what I have no idea, but definitely known around the world; or at least in the US. Maybe it’s because I have a lot of talents such as being a runner, singer, songwriter, teacher, master organizer, mentor, mother. But I never had the confidence or support to really be the best at any of those things. Don’t get me wrong, I have known what it means to shine and my best I’m sure might sound different to others. I was the number one runner in my junior high and high school, I was an all conference basketball player and played on the varsity team all four years, I was a track star and broke school records, I sang the national anthem before all of my sporting events; and I played boy soccer my sophomore year. On top of all that I was the homecoming and prom queen and my class’ president. I was probably the most popular girl in school, but I didn’t really have any friends. I went to college and it was the same, but just with more responsibilities.
So what is it that is making me not able to get out of bed in the morning? What is this feeling of being not complete, empty? Yes, I know the clinical term is depression, but really what should I be doing with my life? I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels like this. I read a book by Po Bronson called What Should I Do with My Life and my favorite chapter, no doubt, was about New Orleans and the title was Ambition in Neutral. That is me, Ambition in Neutral. I should make tee-shirts.
I do feel better writing this all down, but still don’t know what to do with myself. I know the logical solution is to spend time with my son and make the most of the life I have, and yes, I realize how lucky I am to have a child and a great husband and the ability to stay at home and have enough of everything. But should that mean that I can’t want more? Be more? Feel more?
Want to know something ironic? My best friend from high school has written a book and appeared on David Letterman. She also wrote a screenplay in which Jennifer Garner and Jason Bateman are filming at this very moment. Also, I was close to someone who is a part of the road crew for a little band called Fall Out Boy, ever hear of it, of course you have. What am I trying to say? I don’t know, maybe I feel like I was closer to being more than just a pretty face. I have always surrounded myself with talented people, but I guess I never felt like I deserved to be anything.
I have always felt that is was selfish to go to after my dreams. Even more than feeling selfish, I thought it was conceded. I thought that if I pursued anything too much that wasn’t considered noble I would be viewed as a flake. Maybe it was just that I couldn’t let go, let people see who I really was. I know that I felt like I didn’t deserve good things, but that is a whole other story. Maybe that is why I have always tried to define myself by other, what they think, how they feel, what their dreams or wants are. In fact, I have supported two men who have successfully reached their life’s ambitions. At least now I am with a man who loves me unconditionally and really wants me to be happy no matter what it is that I want to do with my life, he will support me. So that makes me want to do something, but I just don’t know what.
Now that I really think about it I wanted to be a stay at home mom because I thought it would be easy and that I would be good at it. It was safe, noble. There was no risk of failure, no way could I be hurt, or so I thought.
So now I feel stuck figuring out my life’s ambition. Could it possibly be staying home with my son, will that be enough? I know that I will look back at thee times with him and realize how precious they are. And I truly enjoy the time we do spend together.
I even went so far as to live new dreams only to have them fall short of my expectations. I tried out with a band in New Orleans and they wanted me, but I couldn’t commit. There were a lot of reasons why but mainly there were too many other things that I wanted to do. So indecisive.
What is your dream? Your life ambition? Your thoughts?
Are you doing what you always wanted to do?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I feel that I've placed my career ambitions on hold to pursue one dream, which is to be a mom. I just had a doctor today ask me "What have you been doing? You should pursue fellowship, apply in different hospitals, put yourself out there. There's so much opportunities. Don't waste time" This is the same doctor who offered me a position in a prestigious hospital last year. But I turned it down. I couldn't commit, because I really, really wanted a chance to be pregnant. But more than a year has passed. I'm still here trying. It's frustrating. I know I could be doing more, and my career would be much better off if I didn't have to put thing on hold because of trying to get pregnant.
My shirt would read "Ambition On Hold."
Oops my comment took a lot of space. I think I'll just post something about this.
I don't know. I mean, I love my husband, and my work is pretty cool, but I wouldn't say it's my dream job or my passion.
I just don't know.
I don't know if you were just writing or you wanted advice, so I'm gonna put my two cents in:
1. Leave your little one at my mom's for a few hours.
2. Attend foster parent orientation.
3. Let your little boy spend 5 Saturdays living "down the bayou" and really experiencing south Louisiana culture while you attend classes.
4. Begin the homestudy paperwork, it will keep you busy for a while.
5. Get certified. Being a stay at home mom and willing to provide transportation, you should be high on the list for getting newborns.
6. Adopt your 10 kids(as our home development worker would say).
7. Be a stay at home mom to 10 kids and that should keep you busy a while.
Ok, maybe that's my dream. Not 10 kids, but 2-4 kids would be nice.
You may be like me and need to feel like your striving towards something, I'm not sure.
Besides I could really use a respite foster parent I know and trust if L and I want to go away for a while.
Yeah, right, like I could really live without Smiley for more than 24 hours.
Call me if you need to talk. My battery died last night on my phone and your son seemed to want mommy time so I figured I'd catch you again later.
I understand the feeling though. I'm here if you need me.
Ah, dreams and realities! I could probably write my own post on this. My ultimate "dream" is to be a mom. We'll see!
I wanted to thank you for your encouraging posts on my blog! The link you sent me looks very very helpful and encouraging!!
Post a Comment