I guess I touched a nerve

Original post from Jenny from the Infertility Block:

Let's Define "Help"
The one topic I have stayed away from is my stepchildren. There are a few reasons but mainly because they are good kids. Even when they piss me off, I can step back and realize that they are teenagers and it could be alot worse. Sure, I wish the middle one wasn't the spitting image of her mother and that the youngest one would get a damn hair cut but these aren't major issue's. The kids are 14(girl), 13(girl) and 10(boy). I've been in their lives for almost 8 years now so we've been together for quite a while. We have them every other weekend and a few weeks in the summer. They live a little over an hour away from us. My biggest complaint has to do with me and the fact that I am not old enough to deal with teenagers, hell, wasn't I a teenager just yesterday?
So now we get into today's bitchfest topic.
My husband asked his 13yr old if she wants to stay for the entire summer to help take care of the baby.
Are you fucking kidding?
Maybe I'm new here but I don't think I'll need that much help with the baby from someone who has zero experience with babies. What I need is somebody to unload my dishwasher, fold the laundry or bring over a lasagne so I don't have to make diner. I don't need somebody to hold my baby until it poops and hand it back to me. Teenagers are lazy, it is just a simple fact. When they leave after a weekend I spend half an hour putting away nailpolish bottles, video games and junk food wrappers. I don't need another person to cook for and clean up after.
Summer is when friends take holidays and people do most of there visiting. I don't want to drag a 13yr old with me everywhere. Sure, it's great for hubbie because he works all day, he won't have to put up with an MTV/MSN junkie. We already have his kids for 3 weeks in the summer, that is enough. When they are here it's alot of work for me cooking, cleaning and entertaining them. Maybe I should go away for a weekend so he can refresh his memory?
The best part is that he did this without asking me. That's right, I didn't get asked, I got told.
There isn't much I can do now except hope that it doesn't happen. As much as I love my own company, I think that hanging out with your stepmom and a poopy baby would lose it's luster after a while.

My response:

"I agree that he should have asked you first, but this is his daughter not some guest. Is the house you reside in also hers? Unfortunately, it seems that you feel that she is not really a part of "your" family and that makes me sad. It also makes me sad that no one else has the guts to say this to you. The fact is that your husband already has children that he probably wishes could live with him all the time. This girl will be your child's sister. I think that if you set some ground rules and set up a chore chart like any child would have at their home you might find her to be very helpful. Don’t get me wrong I know that you want alone time with your child, you want that intimate time with your husband, and you should get it. But the reality is that this is your husband’s fourth child. Sometimes it seems like you don’t really know the situation you got yourself into. There are “firsts” that you two will not experience together. Oh, and not all teenagers are lazy. This could be a great opportunity to teach your daughter responsibility and work ethic. And again, your husband needs to be aware of your concerns and he to should pick up some of the slack once the baby is born. The comment that really bothers me and if my ex ever gets remarried I would tell him to run from someone who would say, “We already have his kids for 3 weeks in the summer, that is enough.” Really? Would that be enough time to spend with your biological child this summer? That again makes me very, very sad. Yes, children are a lot of work and one day your own child will be a teenager, but hopefully you won’t have the same attitude. I bit my tongue about your vasectomy rants, but when comes to his biological children I can’t. I just wish others wouldn't perpetuate your selfishness. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have a child who might have a stepmother one day and I don't ever want him to feel second best or not at "home" because his father is re-married and about to have a baby. Also it is hard for me to understand the jealousy you feel towards your husbands life before you.....move on, you are blessed, focus on that. "

Her Response:

I can handle someone disagreeing with me. What I can't take is somebody making alot of assumptions about me. When you decide to do that, you put me in a defensive position in which I find it necessary to defend myself. So sorry to bore everybody but somebody needs to know that she doesn't fucking know me just because she reads my blog.

Just to get this out of the way.....EVERYBODY I know tells me I am the BEST stepmom they have ever seen. In fact, even my stepchildren tell me that I am the BEST stepmom in the world. Why? Because I treat them like gold.
The house that I RESIDE in is MY FUCKING HOUSE. There is one name on the deed, one name on the mortgage - MINE! I chose to buy a four bedroom house so that when my stepchildren are over, they are not all crammed into one room. The kids have beautiful big bedrooms with a ton of toys. More shit than alot of kids have, especially when they only spend 4 days a month at our house. No - MY HOUSE is not her permanent residence. I already said that they LIVE an hour away from us so isn't that obvious?
To say I don't feel like they are a part of my family? How dare you say that. My stepchildren were all in our wedding party and played an important part in our wedding because on that day, we became a family for life. In fact, the children were included in the vows. I don't call them my children because they aren't - that would be disrespecting their mother which I will not do. They are my stepchildren and they will be part of my family for the rest of my life. Every member of my family treats his children like they are there own.
Of course my husband wishes he had his children full time but it's not that way, and hasn't been for 8 years. If he does want to have them full time, I would support him, but he certainly needs to discuss it with me first as we are a FAMILY - I am not an outsider just because I came second.
"This girl will be my childs sister". Are you fucked? The most exciting part of this pregnancy was telling my stepchildren that they are going to have a brother or sister. They put their hands on my belly and feel the kicks. We stare at ultrasound pictures together. We ohhh and aww over how tiny newborn diapers are. For god sakes, the youngest one sticks his finger in my belly button to see if it's going to pop out soon. Yeah, I think I know that "this girl" will be my child's sister. I would never call her "this girl", she is my stepdaughter.
"I don't know the situation I got myself into". I can count on two fingers the number of times I have mentioned my stepchildren on this blog so how do you think you are qualified to know whether or not I know the situation I got myself into? What makes me such a great stepmom is the fact that I come from a divorced family so I have the view point of what it's like to be in my stepchildren's shoe's. Unless you have walked in both a stepchild's and a stepmom's shoe's, you will never know what I know.
You think I don't know that there are firsts we won't do together? I know our wedding was his second. I know that the birth of our baby will be his forth. Does my style of writing make you think that I am mentally incapable of understanding that?
The 3 weeks we have them every summer? That's when I take my 3 weeks vacation. That's right - I don't take a single week off alone with my husband. I spend my 3 weeks holidays each year entertaining and cleaning up after 3 children who I love because I want to, not because I am required to. Every holiday we take is organized around my stepchildren. Pardon me if I don't think that adjusting to being a full time mom is the right time to take on being a full time stepmom. Both roles require adjustment and I think I am being pretty damn smart in saying that I am not sure I can handle both at the same time.
Don't talk to me about teaching those children work ethic. How dare you assume that I don't? Everytime I make a big meal, I have the kids in the kitchen helping me so they can learn. More often than not, it would be quicker to do it myself, but I think it is important for them to learn.
I feel jealousy towards my husbands life before he met me? When have I ever said that? Or, wait, is it just another assumption you have made? I'm not even going to honor that with a response.
"I just wish others wouldn't perpetuate your selfishness". That's right friends - your comments on my blog are perpetuating my selfishness. Dear Robin doesn't think much of you either.
You know what Robin, go call your first wives meeting and bitch about evil stepmoms until the day you die. Your kids would be lucky to have a stepmom like me. I feel sorry for the woman that has to deal with you someday.
Oh and BTW, my husband and I talked about him inviting his daughter to live with us for the summer. I told him that while I would be o.k. with it, I was disappointed he didn't talk to me first. He understood and apologized. He also said that if she does decide to stay with us, we will make it very clear as to what is expected of her as a full time member of our household. Why, because we are a family and that's how we run OUR family.
p.s. - Statia's right, I really should have just ignored her but I am in a piss ass mood today (we were rear-ended last night, not a happy jenny today). Instead, I've deleted her comment and not linked to her in this post so that she doesn't get extra traffic that she doesn't deserve.

My Response:

I find it funny that my comment makes you so defensive, but I understand it because that’s how people react when they are in denial. And you’re right that I can only go by what you state about yourself on your blog when I prepare a response to a post. Honestly, at this point you still come off as someone who is so unhappy with the fact that your husband was married and had children before he met you. If that is not the case I am sorry, but that is what has been displayed to me. Maybe I shouldn’t have come on so strong, but I had a strong reaction to your words. Isn’t that the point of blogging. I re-read my comment and love the way that you dismiss any part in which I agree with you and focus only on parts that you feel will stir up other people’s opinions about me. I just know that as a step-daughter myself, yes you read that correctly, I would be devastated if either one of my parents would refer to me as lazy, or that I would be a burden to take along to their friends house, or that my house was not mine because they pay for it. Why don’t you let your step-daughter read this post and let her decide how she feels about it? I bet after reading it she wouldn’t want to spend the summer with you, and you would get exactly what you wanted.
If this new post displays your true feeling about your step-children then who was the person who wrote the other one stating that they are MTV/MSN junkies who have to be cleaned up after for a half an hour after they leave? That sounds like they understand work ethic to me. My child is four and he understands how to clean up after himself. However, I would never state that I was the BEST mother ever, but I do the best I can. I heard a great quote once, “when you are good at something you don’t need to tell anyone, everyone just knows.” Maybe you should think about that BEST STEPMOTHER EVER!
I was under the ASSUMPTION that you wanted real responses to your post. I also love that you back up my so called assumption with assumptions of your own. However, I don’t feel that I need to bullet point each one for emphasis, or to make me feel better about myself. And if you don’t want comments from people who disagree with your opinions on your blog why don’t you state that, or keep your thoughts to yourself. This way, people who aren’t just there to stroke your ego can stay away. The sad thing is is that I did like your blog and your stories and could relate to a lot of your life, but I just felt like you took it a step too far “bitching” about your step child spending time at your house. In fact, I cried when I read that you IVF was successful, I was cycling the same time as you and faced a BFN. But truly, I was thrilled that it was happening for you, and I have enjoyed reading about your pregnancy. But maybe you need to re-read some of your posts and maybe then you might see what you are putting out there for the rest of us to read, and unfortunately, interpret.
As for perpetuating, you’re right, I don’t want to surround my self with people who are not honest and who are not willing to help me face issues that might be hard for me to accept. Some people might just want what they term “supportive” comments and most of my comments are, but I also want reality. Obviously, that is not what you want. Oh, and that’s fine that you chose not to link me, LOL, because I am not concerned with how many people look at my blog, are you? Is that your motivation to write?
And I think you have misused the label fist wives club. Isn’t that for women who are divorced from their husbands because the husband left them for a younger, attractive women? Because the fact is I have been a first wife twice now and nether one of my husbands have left me for anyone. However, wasn’t your husband someone else’s husband when you first got together? Didn’t you make his wife part of the first wives club? Oh no, am I assuming again! It is preposterous and immature to assign me to a club because I care about my child’s feelings when I am not with him, not to mention I don’t think I meet the requirements to get in.
Lastly, the fact that you displayed my comment at all I guess does make you my “Bitch, Bitch.” What a pathetic way to get attention, I really ASSUMMED that you would have a bigger vocabulary.
The use of profanity, just another thing that we don’t agree on.


I could have just posted as an anonymous commenter, but I will always take responsibility for my words and the responses they provoke from others.


Anybody care to put me in my place? Maybe I need it?