Done!

I did it, Nov. 10th 10:30, the follow up meeting.

The waiting game

I’m just waiting for AF to show up. If all goes as planned I will get it on Nov. 2nd. I m usually, as they say, right as rain in this department. I don't know if I ovulated this month because I broke my ovulation kit. Yes, I know, I'm crazy! I’m looking forward to a new cycle, a new start. I'm so busy with work and finishing my masters I can't wait for Thanksgiving break.

halloween parade!!!

Thanks to those who posted to my last entry...I needed it. You know some days I can totally forget that I want another child so bad that it hurts, but other days it completely consumes me. The last two days have been that way. Not to mention that I have a wonderful side affect from my IVF called Angioedema.
Definition: http://www.umm.edu/altmed/ConsConditions/Angioedemacc.html.
When I'm in a better mood I will post some crazy pictures so you can see exactly what freaky things happen to my poor body. My infertility doctor swears that IVF had nothing to with this, but the allergist, who actually did blood work, not knowing I did IVF, assured me that it was triggered by elevated levels of estrogen. So now any time my body has a surge of estrogen some part of my face, or my lips, my tongue, the bottom of my feet, or my hands swell to about 100 times their size. It is very painful having your skin swell that much. I have gone to the emergency room three times now because it got so bad.
Still gaining the courage to call and make a post IVF follow up appointment. My BFN was August 5th. Don't want to blow up at the doctor, don't want any confrontations, really, I just don't want to cry. But I do want to start taking more of an active roll.

Fine!

WOW! REALLY? Not one person has looked at my blog in days...maybe there is only support for other people? Or maybe I'm just boring?

Oprah

So today on Oprah the topic was compulsive eating that turns into another compulsion (i.e. drinking) after gastric bypass surgery. Now I am not so far gone that I need surgery, however, I did take one message away from the show: You can not stop compulsively eating until you address the real reason why you eat.
My reason: I am so hurt and disappointed that the IVF didn't work that I drown myself in chocolate and ice cream. Now that I said it out loud, now that I finally admit it, maybe I can face it and move on.

The truth

Question: Why is it that we allow all of these "experts" to dictate our course of treatment for infertility?
Answer: Because we are too emotionally, physically, and mentally involved to think or make choices for ourselves. I'm not saying that we don't educate ourselves or ask questions, I'm just saying that no matter what, we take whatever the doctor, acupuncturist, chiropractor, embryologist, etc says.... as gold, solid, the best choice.
I know from my personal experience that I allowed myself to be caught up in this misery. I couldn’t detach myself from the dream of becoming pregnant. Therefore, I followed every word that they said, even when I had misgivings about the entire practice. I honestly do not believe that they deposited my little blastocysts into my uterus. In fact, I don’t think the doctor ever found it. Although this is all speculation, I believe it enough to know that I really don’t need IVF to get pregnant. Not with the conclusive data that resulted from our failed IVF.I am not so naive to believe that I don’t have difficulties getting pregnant; however, I will not believe that IVF is my only choice. We did try Clomid for one cycle, but it gave me unbelievable cysts. That was it. Not artificial insemination no other stimulants. I am giving my body the much needed break it deserves these next couple of months, losing 15 pound or at least 10, working out, taking baths……. However, we will continue to try for fun. Cause honestly when my son was conceived it was after the months of planning and charting, miscarriages, and a visit to a infertility clinic. Once I gave myself permission to take a break, BAM, I was pregnant. Again, not being naive, just being optimistic. Also I am living life, not planning anymore!!!!

15

I too have gained the IF 15. It really sucks. We all justify it by saying,” when I get my BFP I won't care how much I weigh. ”And after the BFN you are just so depressed that you don't care about ANYTHING. But 2 months + after that, you’re just fat. That's were I'm at. Okay fat is harsh since I can still squeeze into my clothes, however, I just don't feel good about myself; and right now I need to. So the goal is to start running again before work and stop emotionally eating.
Started the application process for the foster-adopt program in Boulder. I just feel that I need to do something, and I really can see us adopting. We're that couple that everyone says if anyone should adopt it should be us. I find that true about a lot of the women in my links, you ladies rule!!! I start teaching my parenting class for my school tomorrow; yes I know, ironic. Oh, and did I mention that 5 of the mom's of my students are pregnant, what are the odds of that? Anyway, still checking for my ovulation and will be trying some Chinese methods this month, I will always keep you all posted.

Ancient Chinese say.....

Finally figured out how to put the title back over my posts. Been reading a book about Chinese medicine and fertility. I have found it very interesting so far. A lot of the information I was already told by my acupuncturist while I was going through IVF. I have to admit that I was completely overwhelmed throughout the whole process; all of the conflicting information hurt my head, so I decided to go with science, my husband being a PhD chemist and all it seemed like the logical choice. Now I am ready to focus on one thing at a time. It's not that I don't believe in IVF and all of the other processes (since we all obviously know people it has worked for), but I really can't put my faith into something that when it doesn't work there is no explanation. Doctor: " I'm so sorry Robin, all of the eggs looked great, all the eggs fertilized, 3 out 5 went to perfect blastocyst, you are 27 years old, we put two back in, you had just about a 70% chance..........Blah, blah, blah. I want the control. As you may notice by my blogs name I have a tipped uterus. However, the doctor that did my transfer was not aware of this and had a very difficult time finding my uterus. In fact I'm not entirely sure he did......There, I said it...... Anyway, I will continue my journey and will try other methods at this point.

Thought I should post a picture so that you all can see who you're writing to, or maybe just reading about. Not to mention the fact that my son's face in this picture is hilarious :) Just wanted to give everyone a much needed laugh.

This picture was taken at Sea World last April.

Hey everyone!!! I had some interest in my journey to Colorado and would love to share, but I would like to share it with you privately, so please send me an e-mail address I can write to you at. Thanks. And on a happy note I passed the praxis II exam, it is like a licensure exam for teachers. Now I am so close to finishing my masters in education I can taste it!!!! Also, I would be thrilled if you added me in you link sections.

here I am

I finally feel like I am in a better place. The IVF cycle and life the last couple of months have really thrown me. I might even schedule a follow up visit at my fertility clinic so they can tell how everything looked 100% perfect and they don't know why my IVF didn't work; and I’m sure they will suggest that I do it again. Yeah, right. Maybe some of you can do this over and over again, but I am not that strong. It might also help that I have a son already and that I am adopted. I just mean that I do feel very lucky that I have had the whole pregnancy experience at least once, and if it doesn't happen again I know personally how wonderful adoption is. However, I still would love to have a child with my husband. You see this is my second husband, the most wonderful, loving, and loyal man I have ever met. And as I said before in my description if you want to know the circumstances that got me to where I am just e-mail me and I’ll have no problem telling you, however, I will not muck up this site with any mention of my ex. He’s just not worth it, and he is still my son’s father.
I do have to say that other blogs about infertility have helped me since my BFN August 5th of this year. Yeah, that’s right I even got the slang down. (Took me awhile, but I slowing started figuring it out and using it.) I feel that it helps desensitize the very personal, raw subject of infertility. Anyway, I guess reading other people’s struggles, hopes, and happiness made me feel like I might be able to help someone else too or even maybe become happy and hopeful again. So I guess this is my first official post. I am still trying to figure out how to post links with names instead of web addresses; any help would be greatly appreciated. I would also like to dedicate this post to Serenity. Your posts have saved me over and over again. Thank you.